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If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.

John Oliver

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John Oliver
Age: 47
Born: 1977
Born: April 23
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
John William Oliver
Names
Fighting
Someone
Strangled
Bare
Minimum
Bars
Fight
Name

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Every empire has to get sucked down the drain. As a British person, I know how it feels.
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Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually.
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Everybody should care about facts. That is something all of us should agree on.
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Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.
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When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.
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News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.
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I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.
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I've made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression.
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Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.
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I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into.
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Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing.
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I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show', I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson.
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It really helps a comedian to be an outsider.
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You're sonically racist, Americans. You think we all sound the same, whereas I have definitely a mongrel accent.
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There is no greater anesthetic than sport.
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I'm British. I don't really have access to my emotions on a daily basis.
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I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.
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Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'
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Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.
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