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If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.

John Oliver

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John Oliver
Age: 47
Born: 1977
Born: April 23
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
John William Oliver
Name
Names
Fighting
Someone
Strangled
Bare
Minimum
Bars
Fight

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I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.
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I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician.
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Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing.
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I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into.
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There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can’t hurt you anymore when you’ve been completely dismantled.
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Stand-up comedy seems like a terrifying thing. Objectively. Before anyone has done it, it seems like one of the most frightening things you could conceive, and there's just no shortcut - you just have to do it.
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The disconnect between America and its military is shocking.
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Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.
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Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'
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Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.
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I don't think I'm identified as the anchorman, I think I'm identified as the impostor anchorman - there's a very clear line there ... I don't think it changes the way they respond.
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Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.
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News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.
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My family are from Liverpool, so I have some twang there - I have a Midlands accent, and I was raised about an hour north of London, so my voice is a mess. Although, to American ears, it sounds like the crisp language of a queen's butler.
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It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.
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One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.
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My family is from Liverpool, so I have some of those vowel sounds, I've got the slack tone of someone from Birmingham, and then I was raised in Bedford, which is just north of London. So my accent, if it's possible, makes even less sense to a Brit than to an American.
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Net neutrality: The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are 'featuring Sting,'
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If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.
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Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.
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