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News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

John Oliver

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John Oliver
Age: 47
Born: 1977
Born: April 23
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
John William Oliver
Shows
Happens
Car
Right
News
Game
Happen
Winning
Games
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More quotes by John Oliver

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I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.
John Oliver
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The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.
John Oliver
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Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.
John Oliver
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Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.
John Oliver
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People in Britain see Richard Quest as a kind of an offensive cartoon character.
John Oliver
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Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.
John Oliver
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People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.
John Oliver
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I get nostalgic for British negativity. There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers. When you go back to Britain, everybody is just running everything down. It's like whatever the opposite of a hug is.
John Oliver
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Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.
John Oliver
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The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.
John Oliver
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It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.
John Oliver
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Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.
John Oliver
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If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.
John Oliver
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I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician.
John Oliver
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There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can’t hurt you anymore when you’ve been completely dismantled.
John Oliver
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Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.
John Oliver
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When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.
John Oliver
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When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.
John Oliver
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I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.
John Oliver
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I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!
John Oliver