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Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

John Oliver

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John Oliver
Age: 47
Born: 1977
Born: April 23
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
John William Oliver
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Mets
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Money
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More quotes by John Oliver

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When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing.
John Oliver
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When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.
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The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.
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If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.
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If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.
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If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual.
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Politicians don't really bring up religion in England.
John Oliver
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Every empire has to get sucked down the drain. As a British person, I know how it feels.
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There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can’t hurt you anymore when you’ve been completely dismantled.
John Oliver
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I think being an outsider in general always helps you in comedy. I think it helps to have an outsider's eye. And so I have an outsider's voice. You know, as soon as I start talking, I don't belong here. And I think that helps in a way.
John Oliver
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People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.
John Oliver
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I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.
John Oliver
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I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life.
John Oliver
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I care about facts the way I care about oxygen and imbibing enough water a day to live.
John Oliver
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I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show', I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson.
John Oliver
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It's pretty physically unsettling, living life on a visa.
John Oliver
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Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.
John Oliver
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My family are from Liverpool, so I have some twang there - I have a Midlands accent, and I was raised about an hour north of London, so my voice is a mess. Although, to American ears, it sounds like the crisp language of a queen's butler.
John Oliver
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Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.
John Oliver
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One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.
John Oliver