Quote

I know electric knives are excellent for carving turkeys that have had their bones removed and been forced into a mold to shape them. Please note that those turkeys are called hams.

John Hodgman

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John Hodgman
Age: 53
Born: 1971
Born: June 3
Author
Comedian
Film Actor
Podcaster
Presenter
Television Actor
Writer
Brookline
Massachusetts
John Kellogg Hodgman
Notes
Removed
Shapes
Knives
Please
Electric
Called
Note
Hams
Forced
Carving
Excellent
Ham
Bones
Turkeys
Shape
Mold

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People like what they like. They're gonna do what they're gonna do.
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I think, as we all learn as a child, you have to learn to tolerate ambiguity better and I'm still terrible at it and I hate it even the word ambiguity makes me sick to me stomach.
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Writing for me always requires trickery. Tricking myself into sitting down, letting words tumble out until you find the good ones. It's sort of a trance. And when a piece is done, I have little memory of how I wrote it, and zero confidence I'd ever be able to do it again.
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We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major media conglomerates, except for AOL, who now apparently own all our thoughts and teeth.
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Unfortunately for humanity, I've gotten into the habit of providing my own closing music for shows by singing a song and playing the ukulele.
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I've made my evolutionary purpose and had children. I don't care if anybody likes me, I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to do a whole comedy show about swimming in the loathsomely cold waters of Maine.
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What I've discovered more recently is copies of books that I didn't represent, but that my boss represented when I assisted her on the dollar pile. I won't mention any names, but it is this profoundly bittersweet time of realizing, Oh, I had a wonderful time working on this book and now it is a dollar relic on the side of the road.
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I am someone who values truth - actual truth as opposed to 'truthiness.'
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John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald meet in hell and team up to assassinate Satan.
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Elwyn Brooks White was a very Maine personality which is, I hate everyone and everyone stay away from me.
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You are only pretentious if you are not sincere.
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I would definitely make eggs for the rest of my life if I could.
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I am not an Internet superstar.
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A lot of my time is spent reading antique or out-of-print books of reference.
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Creating fake facts does require a measure of haphazard research, insofar as they need to not just be possible, but also interesting.
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It was inevitable that in the proliferation of media and media channels and the natural debasing of authority that comes when you make an expert of someone who knows a few things and can be on television and you put the word expert underneath them, that is to say me, then eventually the very concept of expertise itself would become meaningless
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One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably.
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Even the worst job has its benefits and so does being a professional literary agent, and - I know I said this at the time but I still believe it - the worst job is the one that you know is wrong for you, but you still do it. You're afraid to quit.
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We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem, but if they find a leader - a Captain Caveman, if you will - we'll be facing an even more serious problem.
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The reality is that if you want to be in a reality-based community, you've got to respect reality and that means calling it bad when you see the past ahead and it doesn't look good and acknowledging when it's going to work.
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