Almost every venerable tradition at a men's club starts out as a joke.

As I've said many times, the single most oppressed class in America right now is the teenager.

You're not a real Texan till you've been kicked out of every decent state in America.

Everything changed in Bosnia, when General Wesley Clark proved that you could fight a war with high- level precision air strikes and a bare minimum of ground action.

The movies that are honored at The Oscars are always a certain type: Old-fashioned. It's a bunch of well-made, old-fashioned movies that support our idea of ourselves. They uplift the human spirit. That's why horror films never even get nominated.

The Italians always made good wine, but you had the impression they were friendly guys in straw hats running family vineyards with slaves or something so that the vino was never more than ten bucks a bottle.

Faith is like a kernel of wheat.

I love Martin Scorsese, but there's another indication of what The Oscars are all about. They've ignored Martin Scorsese for going on 35 years now, and I wouldn't be surprised if they passed him over again. He'll get one of The Oscars they give you at the end of your life because they feel guilty for never giving you an Oscar.

Apparently we love our own cell phones but we hate everyone else's.

A universal draft is most often the instrument of Third World dictators.

It's not a crime to get drunk.

If you hate what you're seeing, you call it sex and violence. If you like it, you call it romance and adventure.

I AM a male chauvinist. Who's been saying otherwise?

In some European theaters, it's still not uncommon to have a late start and three LONG intermissions, because people actually eat and drink and converse during the intermissions.

There is no post-9/11. Everything from now until the end of time is post-9/11.

Speaking of things that'll make your head explode, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story finally made it to the drive-in