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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Heart
Shaped
Like
Artificial
People
Chocolate
Boxes
Receive
Hearts
Age
Chocolates
Different
Valentine

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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Better laid than never.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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