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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Heart
Shaped
Like
Artificial
People
Chocolate
Boxes
Receive
Hearts
Age
Chocolates
Different
Valentine

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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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