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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Heart
Shaped
Like
Artificial
People
Chocolate
Boxes
Receive
Hearts
Age
Chocolates
Different
Valentine

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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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