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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Age
Chocolates
Different
Valentine
Heart
Shaped
Like
Artificial
People
Chocolate
Boxes
Receive
Hearts

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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
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