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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Different
Valentine
Heart
Shaped
Like
Artificial
People
Chocolate
Boxes
Receive
Hearts
Age
Chocolates
More quotes by Joan Rivers
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Joan Rivers
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
Joan Rivers
I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
Joan Rivers
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Joan Rivers
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
Joan Rivers
But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
Joan Rivers
With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
Joan Rivers
The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
Joan Rivers
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
Joan Rivers
Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
Joan Rivers
Happiness, at my age, is breathing
Joan Rivers
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
Joan Rivers
