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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Person
Wants
Giving
Saying
Make
Dies
Jolie
Good
Happy
Angelina
People
Easy
Joan
Give
Jennifer
Persons
Satisfied
Back
Husband
More quotes by Joan Rivers
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
Joan Rivers
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
Joan Rivers
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers
Can we talk?
Joan Rivers
I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
Joan Rivers
I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
Joan Rivers
Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
Joan Rivers
I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Joan Rivers
I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
Joan Rivers
You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
Joan Rivers
I’m never without a bandage.
Joan Rivers
I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
Joan Rivers
I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
Joan Rivers
Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Joan Rivers
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers
