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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Finally
Holy
Hell
Water
Found
Boil
Priests
More quotes by Joan Rivers
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
Joan Rivers
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
Joan Rivers
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers
I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
Joan Rivers
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
Joan Rivers
My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Joan Rivers
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
Joan Rivers
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
Joan Rivers
Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
Joan Rivers
Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
Joan Rivers
Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
Joan Rivers
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Joan Rivers
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
Joan Rivers
my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
Joan Rivers
you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
Joan Rivers
I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
Joan Rivers
You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
Joan Rivers
Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
Joan Rivers
No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
Joan Rivers
Better laid than never.
Joan Rivers
