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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Boil
Priests
Finally
Holy
Hell
Water
Found

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
Joan Rivers
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
Joan Rivers
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
Joan Rivers