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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Found
Boil
Priests
Finally
Holy
Hell
Water

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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
Joan Rivers