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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Flat
Something
Pet
Would
Flats
Guys
Guy
Sweaters
Wore
Write
Chest
Used
Chests
Writing

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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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Can we talk?
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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