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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Would
Pet
Flats
Guys
Guy
Sweaters
Write
Wore
Used
Chest
Writing
Chests
Something
Flat
More quotes by Joan Rivers
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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Better laid than never.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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