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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Flats
Guys
Guy
Sweaters
Write
Wore
Used
Chest
Writing
Chests
Something
Flat
Would
Pet

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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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