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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Write
Wore
Used
Chest
Writing
Chests
Something
Flat
Would
Pet
Flats
Guys
Guy
Sweaters

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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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Never floss a stranger.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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old age' is always ten years more than we are.
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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