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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Something
Flat
Would
Pet
Flats
Guys
Guy
Sweaters
Write
Wore
Used
Chest
Writing
Chests

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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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Never floss a stranger.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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