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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Last
Girl
Mother
Freeway
Freeways
Sign
Married
Lasts

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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers