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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Praise
Away
Someone
Anything
Take

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
Joan Rivers
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
Joan Rivers
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
Joan Rivers
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
Joan Rivers
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Joan Rivers
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Joan Rivers
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Joan Rivers
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
Joan Rivers
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
Joan Rivers
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
Joan Rivers