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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Someone
Anything
Take
Praise
Away

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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
Joan Rivers