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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Screwed
Telephone
Telephones
Appeal
Appeals
Sex
Gynecologist
Life
Gynecologists
Examines

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Better laid than never.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
Joan Rivers
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
Joan Rivers
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
Joan Rivers