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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Life
Gynecologists
Examines
Screwed
Telephone
Telephones
Appeal
Appeals
Sex
Gynecologist

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
Joan Rivers