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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
People
English
Speak
House
Around
Kind
Always
Things
Charity
Like
Kinds

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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
Joan Rivers