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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Things
Charity
Like
Kinds
People
English
Speak
House
Around
Kind
Always

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Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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