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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Always
Things
Charity
Like
Kinds
People
English
Speak
House
Around
Kind

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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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