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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
People
English
Speak
House
Around
Kind
Always
Things
Charity
Like
Kinds

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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Never floss a stranger.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
Joan Rivers