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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Around
Kind
Always
Things
Charity
Like
Kinds
People
English
Speak
House

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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
Joan Rivers