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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Kind
Always
Things
Charity
Like
Kinds
People
English
Speak
House
Around
More quotes by Joan Rivers
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
Joan Rivers
My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers
My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Joan Rivers
A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
Joan Rivers
Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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Better laid than never.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
Joan Rivers
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
Joan Rivers
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
Joan Rivers
