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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Like
Kinds
People
English
Speak
House
Around
Kind
Always
Things
Charity

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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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