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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Million
Figures
Millions
Change
Loose
Dollar
Figure
Dollars

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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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