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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Change
Loose
Dollar
Figure
Dollars
Million
Figures
Millions

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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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