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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Change
Loose
Dollar
Figure
Dollars
Million
Figures
Millions

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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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Can we talk?
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
Joan Rivers