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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Change
Loose
Dollar
Figure
Dollars
Million
Figures
Millions

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers