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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Figures
Millions
Change
Loose
Dollar
Figure
Dollars
Million

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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