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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Dollar
Figure
Dollars
Million
Figures
Millions
Change
Loose

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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
Joan Rivers