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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Million
Figures
Millions
Change
Loose
Dollar
Figure
Dollars

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Joan Rivers
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
Joan Rivers
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
Joan Rivers
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
Joan Rivers
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
Joan Rivers
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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Self-pity shortens your life.
Joan Rivers
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
Joan Rivers
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
Joan Rivers
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Better laid than never.
Joan Rivers
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
Joan Rivers
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
Joan Rivers
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
Joan Rivers
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
Joan Rivers