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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
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Easier
Reality
Loved
Littles
Comedy
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Cause

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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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