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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Humor
Sense
Oxymoron
German

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Joan Rivers
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
Joan Rivers
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
Joan Rivers
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Joan Rivers
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
Joan Rivers
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I’m never without a bandage.
Joan Rivers
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
Joan Rivers