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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Told
Four
Didn
Grandchild
Grandchildren
Surgery
Nose
Noses
Thirty

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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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