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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Didn
Grandchild
Grandchildren
Surgery
Nose
Noses
Thirty
Told
Four

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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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