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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Told
Four
Didn
Grandchild
Grandchildren
Surgery
Nose
Noses
Thirty

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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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