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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Light
Vegas
Cutbacks
Persist
Slacker
Rejection
Gonzo
Optimism
Tunnel
Train
Loathing
Humor
Tunnels
Another
Pessimist
Ends
Pessimism

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Better laid than never.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
Joan Rivers
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Joan Rivers
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
Joan Rivers