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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Ends
Pessimism
Light
Vegas
Cutbacks
Persist
Slacker
Rejection
Gonzo
Optimism
Tunnel
Train
Loathing
Humor
Tunnels
Another
Pessimist

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
Joan Rivers