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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Another
Pessimist
Ends
Pessimism
Light
Vegas
Cutbacks
Persist
Slacker
Rejection
Gonzo
Optimism
Tunnel
Train
Loathing
Humor
Tunnels
More quotes by Joan Rivers
A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
Joan Rivers
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Joan Rivers
I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
Joan Rivers
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
Joan Rivers
