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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Rejection
Gonzo
Optimism
Tunnel
Train
Loathing
Humor
Tunnels
Another
Pessimist
Ends
Pessimism
Light
Vegas
Cutbacks
Persist
Slacker

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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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