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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Persist
Slacker
Rejection
Gonzo
Optimism
Tunnel
Train
Loathing
Humor
Tunnels
Another
Pessimist
Ends
Pessimism
Light
Vegas
Cutbacks

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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old age' is always ten years more than we are.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
Joan Rivers
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers