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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Train
Loathing
Humor
Tunnels
Another
Pessimist
Ends
Pessimism
Light
Vegas
Cutbacks
Persist
Slacker
Rejection
Gonzo
Optimism
Tunnel
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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old age' is always ten years more than we are.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
Joan Rivers
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers
Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
Joan Rivers
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers
