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old age' is always ten years more than we are.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Ten
Age
Years
Always

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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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