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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Drown
Waters
Luck
Lucky
Type
Water
Would
Lourdes

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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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Better laid than never.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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