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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Water
Would
Lourdes
Drown
Waters
Luck
Lucky
Type

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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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Can we talk?
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Joan Rivers