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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Would
Lourdes
Drown
Waters
Luck
Lucky
Type
Water

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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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