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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Drown
Waters
Luck
Lucky
Type
Water
Would
Lourdes

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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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