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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Would
Lourdes
Drown
Waters
Luck
Lucky
Type
Water

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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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Can we talk?
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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