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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Would
Lourdes
Drown
Waters
Luck
Lucky
Type
Water

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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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old age' is always ten years more than we are.
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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