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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Drown
Waters
Luck
Lucky
Type
Water
Would
Lourdes

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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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