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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Plans
Attention
Making
Happens
Think
Improvisation
Thinking
Paying
Life
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More quotes by Joan Rivers
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
Joan Rivers
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
Joan Rivers
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
Joan Rivers
All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
Joan Rivers