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Having a baby can be a scream.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Childbirth
Scream
Baby

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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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