Quote

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Never
Complains
Screamed
Childbirth
Cousin
Conception
Complaining
Baby
True
Shirley

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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
Joan Rivers
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
Joan Rivers