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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Nothing
Hasn
Paying
Aging
Tells
Otherwise
Anyone
Attention
Rotten
Funny
Depressing

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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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