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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Attention
Rotten
Funny
Depressing
Nothing
Hasn
Paying
Aging
Tells
Otherwise
Anyone

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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
Joan Rivers