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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Restaurants
Checks
Younger
Fool
Skateboard
Feeling
Pretense
Age
Coat
Feelings
Coats
Always
Check

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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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