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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
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Lines
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Almost
Francisco
Another
Designers
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Oscars
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Stylists

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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Joan Rivers