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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Lines
Stylist
Almost
Francisco
Another
Designers
Stills
Oscars
Still
Marry
Trying
Designer
Tonight
Stylists
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More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
Joan Rivers