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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Else
Refuses
Littles
Calls
Ever
Refuse
Little
Daughter
Nobody
Public
Call
Mother
Grandson

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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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